Pointless Humour
by quiet liban
Summary: My attempt at humour. . . Stiletto is a high society witch, so what happens with Rage a made vampire noboby is her soulmate?
1. Not That Kind Of Guy

Title: Pointless Humour.  
  
Summary: See below  
  
Disclaimer: The Night Word and all characters and theories associated with it belong to LJ Smith. Rage, Stiletto & Co are mine.  
  
What happens when your plans for your children spiral wildly out of control leaving you with no say in there future?  
  
How do you get them back into your power to make yourself more important? More powerful?  
  
And how do you deflect all your parents carefully positioned manoeuvres and end up on top? Well I don't actually know, but I have a feeling we're about to find out.  
  
Find out what happens to Rage the underdog of this unbelievably strange and twisted soap opera of a story, and whether or not his one true love, his soulmate the upper class witch Stiletto Chasm will stay with him forever or be forced to marry the tiresome but ever so devastatingly hansom Edan Chant who's bloodline is connected to the Harman's.  
  
Or will she thwart the scheming plans of her mother Violet Chasm and her evil sycophant Patrick Lindese who is, by the way seriously deranged.  
  
Will the seemingly small part to play self-obsessed Java Redfern actually be remembered and used in this story? Or will the strange cameos by your favour LJS stars make this story if I ever finish it any good? (No almost certainly not, but I can hope right?)  
  
~*~  
  
Arms wrapped themselves around her waist liked two snakes holding her close to him. She leaned back into his body, letting his warmth penetrate her skin. She swayed gently with the soft music playing in the background.  
  
"Hmmm,"  
  
"You're hungry again," She stated and turned in his arms to face him. Greasy black hair was messed up over his forehead and he had green eyes that took way the body heat she was enjoying.  
  
"Yes, hmm," he said sensually, leaning his forehead on hers; his eyes gazed into her rich chocolaty brown ones.  
  
She felt uncomfortably looking into his eyes and he knew it, she tried to drop his gaze but he wouldn't let her.  
  
"Well, go hunt then," she suggested a little frightened. He lifted a finger to her lips.  
  
"Shhh," then he kissed her, his mouth was warm on her soft lips.  
  
"No," she protested softly. "Not me."  
  
"But you taste so good." He moved his hands up and tanged them into her mass of black crow's curls, and bent to kiss her again.  
  
"No," she tried to push him away. "Rage, no. Find some one else."  
  
Rage looked at her complacently. "Scared ya." He shrugged and untangled himself from her.  
  
"Stiletto," the girl turned at her name.  
  
"What Rage?" she glared at him. She was thoroughly pissed off at his antics.  
  
"Sorry,"  
  
"Argh, goddess damn you Rage." She smiled reluctantly. "You really are a teddy bear,"  
  
Rage shrugged, "Only when it comes to you."  
  
~*~  
  
"Do you know where she is?" snapped a high-pitched voice.  
  
"No ma'am."  
  
"Why not?" the same voice demanded. The voice belonged to a tall woman with hardened brown eyes and a short severe styled hair.  
  
"She didn't want to be found," Stammered a voice belong to a short lithe young man dressed from head to toe in black. His hansom face was distorted by fear for the older witch.  
  
"Since when have I cared for my daughter's wants, Patrick. Stiletto will be found and she will marry Edan if I have anything to do about it. She had better had not ran away with that thug Rage what-his-name."  
  
"Yes, Mrs Chasm,"  
  
The woman sighed and rubbed at her temples. Oh by the goddess, Stiletto would marry Edan. Or there would be hell to pay.  
  
~*~  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Come in." beckoned a young arrogant voice, it belonged to a tall youth. Dark violet-blue eyes hid behind heavy lashes and short blonde curls sprung uncontrollably from his head.  
  
"Any news?" asked the youth half-heartedly.  
  
"On Stiletto Chasm, sir? No. But your mother requires your immediate presence, sir."  
  
"Of course Jeeves. I'll be with her in a sec."  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Java is also there,"  
  
"Thank you." The youth sighed restlessly as the butler exited.  
  
The youth made his way down the stair to his mother's study taking with him an air of hopelessness. His mother stared at him with the same deep-set dark violet-blue eyes. A young blonde woman stood beside his mother's chair, she was smiling at him like a contented cat, not to be trusted and totally confident in herself.  
  
"Java," he smiled back at her.  
  
"Edan." she greeted back.  
  
"Mother,"  
  
"Edan, Stiletto has been gone for a week."  
  
"Your point?" Edan asked insolently.  
  
"Your Mother is merely suggesting that you break off the engagement." Java said answered smoothly, her ever-changing eyes were currently cat-green and looking smug as ever.  
  
"At your advice no doubt. Java the engagement wasn't my idea. It was hers." Edan countered.  
  
"I know Edan but given recent events, the marriage to Stiletto Chasm should be cancelled, she's no longer the type of person a Chant should be married to."  
  
"Maybe next you will suggest a Redfern whore." Edan said smilingly at Java. Java made no movement at the derogatory comment about her family. "I'm sure Java would have made a list of those available."  
  
There was silence.  
  
"What if I choose who to marry? Of course not, I might make a wrong choice or choose someone of the wrong species for your little spell. Couldn't have that now."  
  
"What is your problem?" Java asked, danger flared in her eyes but he took no notice.  
  
"I don't like being dictated to by some, some bloodsucking self-righteous parasite who thinks she knows best."  
  
"Hush, both of you." Crystal Chant snapped. "Violet is attempting to locate her daughter, if she finds her within the next month, marriage will go about as planned. If not we'll find some other alternative, this marriage is important Edan."  
  
"No doubt you think so?"  
  
"I do."  
  
Edan stormed out of the office. Goddess would they ever stop!  
  
~*~  
  
Stiletto sat in the dark, she looked over the room, Rage was out hunting. Not exactly what she was used to but as long as she and Rage was together that was all that mattered. The dimmed room contained a lumpy futon and smallish TV, piles of cushion thrown about the room, scattered items of clothing and an assortment of weapons mostly around the door and window. There was a pathetic attempt at a hallway, which led to a kitchenette the cupboard that hid the washing machine and a curtain that covered the bathroom.  
  
There was a knock at the door. She sighed as she went to answer it. She looked through the peephole now there's a turn up, she thought as she leant on the doorframe her fingers closing in on the fighting sick kept next to the door, she unlocked the latched and smiled.  
  
"What do I owe the pleasure Morgy?" Morgead Blackthorn's green eyes glowered.  
  
"Why the hell did you have to run away?" he demanded.  
  
"Don't see it as any business of yours. Vermin lover." Stiletto glared back at him.  
  
"Oh please, you're still the rich bitch of a witch aren't you? Not exactly the kind that you would normally find in the slums, but you always liked the bad boys the poor ones. Ones like Rage."  
  
"Why are you here? You haven't been in San Francisco for months now. You and your little hybrid freak ran away and joined Daybreak." Stiletto was tired of his presence already and wanted him to get the hell away from her. "And you ask why I ran away?"  
  
"Does the name Patrick Lindese ring a bell?"  
  
Stiletto tried to hide the shock on her face, but she knew it was too late when she saw Morgead smile.  
  
"He's my mother's lil thing." She said disgusted.  
  
"Sycophant?" suggested Morgead.  
  
"My, my. Jez's been teaching you new words. Yes. Why?"  
  
"Been knocking on Daybreak's door, thinks that your one of our newest recruits. Now."  
  
"Morgead, hurry up or we'll never get there in time," Called an impatient voice.  
  
"Shut the fuck up Ash." Morgead yelled back. "I hate that guy. Any way why'd you runaway and why is that creep looking for you at Day break?"  
  
"Oh, Morgy. It's a long story. And Ash is waiting." Stiletto smiled her brown eyes twinkling with amusement.  
  
"No, Ash is here about to drag Morgead's butt back downstairs to his goddamn motorcycle." Ash Redfern smiled still the arrogant self-servient cat he was before he met Mary-Lynette, just this time he was on Daybreak's side. "I don't want to keep her waiting." He warned through clenched teeth.  
  
Morgead whirled around to face him. "This is business, ok. And I am so not bringing her with us. It's bad enough I was sent with you, but her.Ewww."  
  
Ash rolled his eyes. "Why she looks pretty enough, but then again. Jez would kick your ass."  
  
"Oh and Mare wouldn't? No, she would kick your shins. Go wait." Morgead ordered but still he didn't move. "NOW!"  
  
"Temper, temper," mused Ash, "See ya Stiletto," he turned and made his way down the hall.  
  
"Now this raises questions," smiled Stiletto, "Mare? Who is she and what power does she have over that particular Redfern?" her eyes narrowed towards the direction that Ash had gone.  
  
"Same kinda power Rage has over you. I'm guessing that's why you left."  
  
"And I thought males only had a one track mind. Guess you're an anomaly." Stiletto beckoned him into her apartment. "It gets more complicated than that. Do you really think I would trade my riches in for the soulmate principle? This is me, Stiletto Chasm. I'm not that kind of girl."  
  
"Are you gonna tell me." Morgead asked finally getting somewhere.  
  
"Either that or seduce you, your choice?" Stiletto walked over to the window, the view was, well what view?  
  
"The only person you'll be seducing is me!" Rage entered the room, not a happy chappie.  
  
"Whoa Rage. Not that kind of guy. You should know." Morgead faced the aptly named Rage.  
  
"I thought we agreed not to ever bring that up." Rage warned.  
  
"What?" Stiletto turned, "Bring up what exactly?"  
  
"Nothing. And what is Ash Redfern doing down stairs and since when did that sissy learn to ride a motorbike?" Rage asked.  
  
"More reasons than I care to explain. I promised one of his cousins a favour that's all." Morgead answered.  
  
"Jez Redfern" muttered Stiletto under her breath.  
  
Rage raised an eyebrow quizzically but shrugged, "You know I could kill you right here?"  
  
Morgead shrugged, and I could give you a headache, he thought.  
  
"So why are you here?"  
  
"One reason, people have been asking questions about Stiletto."  
  
"Such as?" Rage queried.  
  
"Has she joined Daybreak? Is she in Las Vegas? Has she defected?" Morgead offered.  
  
"Who?"  
  
"How did you know the answer?" asked Morgead but the overtly lame joke well was just lame.  
  
"Who asked?" Rage demanded.  
  
"Her mother's sycophant. Patrick Lindese." Morgead answered.  
  
"Jezebel's been teaching you new words." Rage commented dryly. Morgead just glared at him and Stiletto, they didn't stop at finishing each other's sentences they just took them. "And Thierry sent you to find out why."  
  
"Not exactly."  
  
Stiletto raised an eyebrow, "What exactly?"  
  
"Jez will kill me."  
  
"Not if I do first."  
  
"I was in the area and decided to drop by?" Morgead lifted his weakly arms in an explanative gesture.  
  
"I'm sure there are quicker ways to get from Vegas than to where you're taking Ash than through San Francisco."  
  
"Hmm, possibly. Who said I was in Vegas?"  
  
"Get out!" Rage ordered. "NOW!"  
  
"Fine, whatever, just be careful cos this is more than just you I definitely know that. This has got to do with something big."  
  
"Out!"  
  
And so Morgead left.  
  
~*~ 


	2. Mysterious Messenger Barbie

Title: Pointless Humour.  
  
Summary: See below  
  
Disclaimer: The Night Word and all characters and theories associated with it belong to LJ Smith. Rage, Stiletto & Co are mine.  
  
What happens when your plans for your children spiral wildly out of control leaving you with no say in there future?  
  
How do you get them back into your power to make yourself more important? More powerful?  
  
And how do you deflect all your parents carefully positioned manoeuvres and end up on top? Well I don't actually know, but I have a feeling we're about to find out.  
  
Find out what happens to Rage the underdog of this unbelievably strange and twisted soap opera of a story, and whether or not his one true love, his soulmate the upper class witch Stiletto Chasm will stay with him forever or be forced to marry the tiresome but ever so devastatingly hansom Edan Chant who's bloodline is connected to the Harman's.  
  
Or will she thwart the scheming plans of her mother Violet Chasm and her evil sycophant Patrick Lindese who is, by the way seriously deranged.  
  
Will the seemingly small part to play self-obsessed Java Redfern actually be remembered and used in this story? Or will the strange cameos by your favour LJS stars make this story if I ever finish it any good? (No almost certainly not, but I can hope right?)  
  
~*~  
  
Violet Chasm looked the window onto her incredibly big estate. "Have you found her?"  
  
The snivelling creature that was Patrick Lindese entered the room.  
  
"San Francisco." He answered.  
  
Violet snapped around, "With who?"  
  
"A vampire called Rage."  
  
"Made?" Mrs Chasm arched one of her eyebrows. If he were lamia he would have mentioned a last name.  
  
"Yes, milady."  
  
"Can you tell me why my daughter would go off with a made vampire to San Francisco?"  
  
"You wouldn't like it." Patrick answered.  
  
"Answer."  
  
"Soulmate principle."  
  
Violet Chasm snorted, "I thought I taught my daughter better than that."  
  
~*~  
  
Java sat at the dinner table with the rest of the Chant family.  
  
Edan continue to glare at her. Mrs Chant rolled her eyes at them and continued her conversation with her husband.  
  
"Why are you so interested in who I marry?" Edan asked Java.  
  
"It concerns me."  
  
"Not a much as it concerns me."  
  
"Oh please, all you have to is marry the poor girl."  
  
"All I have to do? We're talking lifetime commitment here." Edan answered.  
  
"Maybe she won't live that long," Java murmured under her breath.  
  
"What was that?" snapped Edan.  
  
"Maybe it won't be that long, there are things called divorces you know," Java purred.  
  
"Yeah but I have a feeling this marriage, is for. . . " Edan trailed off," . . . something else. And not at all because Mother, Violet Chasm and you, Java are constantly scheming."  
  
"Here, I was thinking you were blind," Java answered coolly, batting her eyelids that covered a pair of kaleidoscope eyes.  
  
"No, I can see quite well actually. I wonder whatever gave you that impression?"  
  
Java smiled bitterly and glared, 'Really,' she thought, 'you are an imbecile.'  
  
~*~  
  
"Stilleto, are you sure that you shouldn't go back," Rage asked earnestly.  
  
"Oh, Rage, My mother's little thing is nothing to worry about."  
  
"I was actually thinking about how this will affect your rep."  
  
"And how is that?" Stiletto smiled, hands on hip.  
  
"People might start to think you are a Daybreaker or something," Rage replied Morgead's earlier visit shock him a bit, if people were making queries about Stiletto maybe she should got back to her family.  
  
"Oh what were you and Morgead referring to when he said he's not that kind of guy?"  
  
"Never mind," Rage shook his head, that had been really embarrassing experience that he did not want to repeat ever again.  
  
"I mind. Did something go on between you two?" Stiletto kept pressing, she loved to see people squirm.  
  
"Loook, I'm not trying to get rid of you . . . I love you, but I think you should confront your mother,"  
  
Stiletto snorted, "Yeah and end up married to some snobby proper . . ." she was searching for a way to end her sentence.  
  
"Edan," Rage interrupted.  
  
"What?" Stiletto looked at Rage a little shocked, she hadn't mentioned the snobby proper little bastard's name, (she figured out how to end her sentence). Yet here Rage was telling her.  
  
"Uh, how did you know that?" she asked uncertainly.  
  
"Um, how did I know you're engaged to Edan Chant. . . I dunno, lucky guess."  
  
"Oh, *very* lucky." Stiletto glared, she felt her wicthfire leap to her hands,  
  
"OK," Rage backed away. He didn't know this would get her so fired up. So he had done a little research not much only enough guess that answers to the questions inside his head that had been gnawing at him, "Do you think you could not aim that at me?"  
  
"Maybe," she purred, "maybe not. Maybe you should tell me why you know that?"  
  
"Maybe," Rage replied,  
  
~Honey, please don't fry me~  
  
"Why not?" Stiletto smiled cruelly.  
  
"Uh, because I don't really think you want ashes for your soulmate,"  
  
"And I don't want Edan Chant for my husband either, but you still haven't told me how and why you know that."  
  
"Right, ok. . .um"  
  
"Um?"  
  
"Um do you need some help there?" came a light carefree voice.  
  
"No, I can handle her," Rage replied to the girl who was standing in the doorframe  
  
"Really cos y'know, I could always fry her into oblivion for you. Since you leave your front doors open and everything."  
  
"That would explain how you got in," Stiletto turned around and found a blonde girl standing where she shouldn't be. She had an amazing grace about her, and her voice was sweet.  
  
"Yeah, but I'm looking for some one that lives here."  
  
"Well he won't be living here much longer," Stiletto answered with poison in her voice, fuchsia witchfire glowed around her hands that were cupped and poised at Rage.  
  
"Oh, then I should talk to Christian now . . ." the girl replied.  
  
"Chirstian," Stiletto arched one of her eyebrows, "really Rage, what were your parents thinking."  
  
"They weren't," he glowered at the girl then at his soulmate whose witchfire faded. She was enjoying this too much.  
  
"Rage?" the blonde looked confused, "Oh vamp name, get it now. Anyway I need to talk to Christian Spencer, I assume that's you."  
  
Rage looked at the girl, she was so innocent, so pure and she wanted to talk to Christian Spencer.  
  
"Spencer's dead. Died a long time ago." Rage answered coldly  
  
"Then why was I told by Quinn to come here and talk to Christian Spencer?" the girl asked.  
  
"Quinn?" Stiletto raised both of her eyebrows this time. "First at friendly visit from Morgy and Ash Redfern now a messenger from John Quinn, this week gets better and better."  
  
"Morgead and Ash were here?" the blonde asked incredulously.  
  
"Ah huh." Stilletto smiled looking all the while like a cat.  
  
"You a witch?" Rage asked coming up behind Stiletto.  
  
"You could say that." The girl bowed her head.  
  
"What's that s'pose to mean?" Stiletto asked reaching to pinch the girl's chin to lift her head up when a panther pounced on her making her fall backwards landing on Rage.  
  
"Iliana," the shifter hissed in half form a long velvety tail swishing in anger.  
  
"Keller." The blonde glared at the shifter, "I killed a dragon. I think I can take care of myself."  
  
Keller sighed and reverted back to her human form clad in a black jumpsuit.  
  
"You must have a lot of confidence." Stiletto said getting up and brushing herself off. Rage got up of the floor fluidly as if he had never been there.  
  
Keller snorted in contempt.  
  
"And so polite too."  
  
"Don't mind her, she's always been protective." Iliana smiled, Keller turned her glare to Iliana who shrugged.  
  
"Get on with it." Keller said gruffly.  
  
"I don't see why, I had to do it." Iliana muttered.  
  
"You know Aradia had a vision."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Wait a minute."  
  
"Yes?" Iliana asked  
  
"Didn't you say that you had message from Quinn?" Rage asked looking sideways at the girl trying to take in this girl who was dropping more names than clouds dropped raindrops when it stormed.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Then what does a vision from the Maiden have to do with anything?"  
  
"You were Christian Spencer right?"  
  
"Yeah." Rag answered. "*Were*."  
  
"Aradia had some vision about us meeting."  
  
"And Quinn?" Stiletto asked.  
  
"Used to know Rage as he now calls himself." Iliana sighed, "And he's calling in a favour."  
  
"Oh god, I was hoping he might forget about that, being all good now and such."  
  
"Quinn, forgetting?" Iliana laughed, "That guy's got a memory like an elephant."  
  
"And what exactly is that favour?" Stiletto asked.  
  
"Wait a minute missy," Keller stepped forward, "*Who are you*?"  
  
"Excuse me?" Stiletto stepped back remembering before.  
  
"Keller does it matter?" Iliana asked.  
  
"Yes, it does." Keller said seriously in deadly tones.  
  
Stiletto rolled her eyes, "Stiletto Chasm," She smiled pleasantly, "What are you, an ex-bouncer?"  
  
"The best of the best." Keller replied obvious not happy with the witch in front of her and the witch behind was edging increasingly closer to joining her.  
  
"In what?" Stiletto asked looking down her nose at Keller.  
  
"Does she pass the test?" Iliana asked.  
  
"No, but I s'pose she got to come to."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"To meet Quinn." Iliana answered.  
  
"I'm sure this all makes sense in your world but meanwhile in reality-" Stiletto started.  
  
"Please, reality. We live in a world where vampires, shifters, witches and worse things exist. That's reality and just because Keller here protects my ass, doesn't mean that Quinn won't kick it if 'Rage,' doesn't come back with me," Iilana returned doing air commas as she mentioned Rage's name.  
  
"What are you? Mysterious messenger Barbie?" Stiletto asked ignoring the shock on Keller's face at Iliana's words and the swishing tail that had managed to appear.  
  
"No, but I was wondering, what's it like to be named after a shoe?"  
  
"What does that have to with anything?"  
  
"Just wondering. Anyway, I really don't like Quinn when he's angry. Gets all moody and stuff." Iliana shuddered, "So please, come with us. You don't even have to sit next to Keller if you don't want. She'll sit in the front of the limo with Nissa. Honestly please. I really don't want to see Quinn angry. It's kinda disturbing."  
  
"Wait a sec," Rage paused, "Quinn's not angry at me is he?"  
  
Iliana smiled, "Not yet."  
  
~*~  
  
Shadow: A review! Yay! Thanks heaps, sorry I haven't updated. . . 


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